Amanda's Blog

I apologize in advance for the disorganization of my post, it started out in an organized fashion and then it eventually became more of a diary entry. These are my thoughts, my memories, my feelings. It's taken a few days to even muster up the courage to write this all down, but I had to write it out so I would not forget.

The year was 2006. I was 17 and had just received a data cd from my father of disco mixes. He was quite the fan of disco music and I guess it rubbed off on me. I inserted the cd and began to browse through the mp3 mix files that he had downloaded and given me. I was confused when I played one of the mixes and it was not a mix at all but some sort of hour long file with different songs on it. I soon realized that the file was not a disco mix at all but it was a mistake. The file had been wrongly named and wrongly downloaded. As soon as I looked into the details of the file I saw that it was called “The Very Best of Prince”. Hmm! Of course I knew that Prince was a singer and I did remember my father playing “When Doves Cry” sometimes. That was about it. I ended up keeping the file and skipping through to When Doves Cry to play it. As time went on I would listen to more of the songs. I would listen to 2 or 3 and then 4 or 5 and then soon enough I would listen to the entire album, enjoying them all. I remember having a portable mp3 player and I would listen to it while riding my bike or walking to the bus or the train, I would listen to it over and over again. It became a soundtrack to my life. When I knew the album backwards and forwards it was then that I knew that I needed more! I had hoped that Prince had more music (if I only knew!!!) and I began looking online for anything and everything. I downloaded everything that I could find without even realizing which time period each song was from or which album it came on. I listened to his songs again and again and discovered them one by one with an unbiased opinion because my mp3 player played them to me in alphabetical order rather than in order that they were produced. I listened to anything and everything and I loved it all. Like I said, it became the soundtrack of my life. It’s an amazing feeling, discovering an artist’s collection and especially discovering the artist themselves. I began reading up about Prince, I found out about his movies and looked at pictures of him. I ordered the movies online and patiently awaited their arrival. There’s something to be said of discovering an artist when the artist has an astounding complete collection to enjoy. It’s like hitting the jackpot. Looking at everything that was readily available and thinking how lucky I was to be able to get everything right then. Thinking about how these productions had taken years and years to come out over time but I had just stumbled upon them all at once and could choose everything to my heart’s desire. I definitely hit the jackpot. I remember receiving my DVD’s of “Purple Rain” “Under The Cherry Moon” and “Graffiti Bridge” and plugging in my headphones to the computer and popping in the DVD’s and being amazed…. In “Under The Cherry Moon” when the camera pans onto Prince and he gives his come hither stare to the audience with those beautiful long lashed eyes… my heart melted and I knew I was obsessed! He was the most gorgeous man I had even seen! Not only did I love his voice but he had the whole package. I had a big crush, I needed even more! I began searching eBay for memorabilia. I got a set of button pins with his pictures on them (even one that says “I Love Prince” and another that says “I slept with Prince”) and affixed one of him from Purple Rain to my purse. Maybe Prince wasn’t really the in thing at the moment for everyone but for me I had just discovered the best thing in the world and wanted to show it with pride. I worse that button pin of my purse for a long while, until one day I was horrified to see that it was missing, it must had fallen off somewhere. I was devastated and immediately ordered another one but it was never the same. I then was more careful with my keepsakes! Life in college went on with Prince in my ears all along the way.
Things ended up changing towards the end of college. I had met the man who is currently my husband and we moved in together. I brought my love for Prince into my relationship as I had in the previous one. It was a package deal… Accept me as I am with my love for Prince or not but Prince will always be my obsession! My husband knew of it through the years and was ok with it. I mean, I had always told him that if Prince somehow swept me off of my feet and wanted me to marry him… gone I would be! And it was ok for him because it was probably most likely not bound to happen (Still could hope, right!)
I vaguely remember introducing Prince to my husband through the music and the movies. He didn’t really agree with my tastes but he was co-operative.
I remember scouting out eBay for items as usual and stumbling upon someone selling a semi-complete collection of Prince’s CD albums… something I had wanted but was unable to get. Of course I had all the mp3s of the music but it was not the same! I had discovered early on that most of Prince’s CD’s were long out of print and very rare and hard to find and on top of that there were over 30! I messaged the eBay seller and negotiated a deal to pay about $120 or so for the set of about 30 or so albums with a set of about 20 or so singles. I waited… and then one day a large show box arrived in the mail and tightly packed inside was the ultimate start of my collection… Lot’s of gems… it was an amazing time. I organized them all in order of their release and treasured them and of course began looking for the remaining missing ones. But at least it was a great start.
I bought a poster of Purple Rain online and when it arrived I realized it was way too pretty to just thumb tack it into the wall. I had it mounted and laminated and hung it up above my computer desk. I had 2 others made. One of Prince holding a rose, dressed in white from the Purple Rain times and another of his black and white “Parade” album cover. I hung them as well and then I had 3 large mounts of him staring over me every time I went in the bedroom! What nice company!
I always kept my eyes peeled for anything Prince related in society but there was not very much to be found. I had the rare occasional newspaper clipping or mention in a magazine. I do remember when he released “Planet Earth” and the radio would play “The One U Wanna C” briefly. But that was about it. I watched clips of his concerts and tried to get my hands on what I could here and there but it seemed like there was not very much going on and I didn’t really have anyone to relate to. I was in my own little Prince bubble, but that was also ok. I liked going against the trends and usually did in my musical tastes.
Time went on, and after downloading and seeing many concert footages and wishing I could one day see Prince live for myself, I began hoping. I hadn’t seen much about Prince touring around those days, I mean, he was older and he had already had his heyday and fame, it would never be the same anyway. I kind of thought deep down inside that I would probably not see him live but I kept hoping. I remember praying to God, saying ‘Please God, let me see Prince, please, please, please, it’s the only thing I ever want.’
And I hoped and prayed and wished and dreamed. But surely he would never come to Montreal, it was too obscure of a place… he probably didn’t even know it existed!
So I was browsing on Facebook one day (and of course I have all the Prince fan pages liked to give me all the news and headlines and updates) and I saw something awe inspiring… it said something about Prince coming to Montreal to play for the Jazz Festival on June 24th and 25th, 2011…. what!!??? It said that he personally requested that they play there. I had a mini heart attack! My life! My dream! My wish! My prayers had been answered!!! Ok! Now to get tickets… what… they were already sold out within minutes long before I had even seen the news story! Ahhh…. I needed to go! It was my one and only chance! I knew that I had to do this. Unfortunately I knew that I could only go to one show of the two if I could even go. This was before I became a crazy concert person so I did not realize that I was able to do all nighters! I decided that since I work those evenings, if I had to pick it would probably be better to go to the Friday evening show rather than the Thursday evening show. I began looking on eBay and sure enough I found someone selling a pair of tickets for way way more than what they were paid for… but oh well… I remember buying them and then arranging to meet this random person downtown one day to pick them up… then wondering if they were real tickets and that I would find out soon enough!
I counted down the days and then Thursday evening came. Prince performed an outstanding 4 hour show to the small club and it received rave reviews! I was so pumped!!! I couldn’t wait to get my turn the next night! Friday night we went out to Metropolis and the tickets were fine. We got in and made our way into the crowd. We were fairly close to the front, not too bad. Prince came and blew my mind! It was insane! such a great energy in the room. This is also before Prince started banning cameras so I took many pictures and videos that I will always cherish forever. It gives me a certain nostalgia to look at them, it’s like being in the room there again. I always went back to looking at them every so often. That’s why I love taking pictures and videos at concerts, for the memories.
Of course the show that we saw was not anywhere near the same as the one the people had gotten the night before. I think he only played about 2 or so hours and it was a completely different set and vibe apparently. I still have no complaints though! My only regret is not being smart or daring enough to have gone to see both shows. After reading reviews of comparisons to the two shows and seeing that the first one had been better (well of course they are all good but, you know) I vowed from that day on that any opportunity whatsoever to see Prince again, in any shape or form, I would take it. I was blown away, it’s like an addiction. After dreaming about seeing him for so long and then actually experiencing it and it is everything you had ever hoped and dreamed that it would be, it is like you just want to feel like this again and again as much as you can. I just wanted to be around his energy. I was very satisfied upon seeing him and then it became that I -lived- to see him perform again. I always scouted out every information outlet, every day, scouring and scouring, but nothing. It was ok, I just watched my recordings when I started to give up hope.
2011 ended up being a very lucky year. A few months after my first Prince experience I had another mini heart attack moment when I was browsing Facebook yet again in November 2011, as I usually do, and and Advertisement on the sidebar caught my attention. It was a picture of Prince that said “Prince Welcome 2 Canada - Live Montreal” something along those lines. I clutched my chest and clicked and absorbed all of the details and made sure that I would buy tickets!!! December 2nd 2011 was when Prince would come and play the Bell Centre in Montreal, a very different venue compared to Metropolis. I was so excited! I started collecting newspapers that featured articles of the upcoming concert details.
We went to the Bell Centre and saw the concert and it was pretty good but the stage set up did make it a bit hard to see but still, a great experience none the less. Unfortunately this time Prince had decided to enforce a strict “No Photography” policy and of course it stuck from then on! So I didn’t get any pictures or memories but I did get the honor of collecting some purple and gold confetti from when he performed “Purple Rain” and as if by magic, the confetti began coming down on us like actual purple rain. I remember scrambling around at the end of the concert trying to save whatever scraps off of the floor that weren’t beer soaked and dirty. I have them framed in a plaque I made along with my tickets. I will forever hold them dear.
The special thing about that concert was that I had know that Prince was notorious for doing these small club after parties after concerts. Right before going to the concert I had read a rumor that Prince would be showing up after the concert at a small Montreal Supper club called “Newtown”. I made my mind up then and there that I would go to Newtown based on solely a rumor!
After the concert my husband was annoyed because he was tired and wanted to go home and thought I was crazy to trek down to some place in the middle of nowhere on a whim, but he moped down along with me. We got to the club and it didn’t really look like much was going on. Who knows what would happen, it was just a rumor after all. We got in the club and waited and waited and then all of a sudden Prince walked in!!! Everyone freaked out and pulled out their cameras! (Including me… hehe, couldn’t resist) but he did not like that reaction and quickly ran off and disappeared. We were all so sad but they explained that he would not come back unless we all promised to keep our cameras to ourselves and not take them out. We obliged and eventually he came back and he and the band jammed out all night until 4am (his back to us, he didn’t want to be seen) until they called it quits. I was absolutely star struck! Prince jammed out in front of me literally 20 feet away….. what a gift! We trekked our way back home and it was long and grueling and of course I had to work within an hour or so after getting home, but it was worth it! I was hypnotized. I was a true fan. I agreed again that I would always take every opportunity I got to see him.
When we moved from our small condo to our reasonably sized townhouse that we live in now, I got the pleasure of having my own little room to store my “junk” and my husband had his own room for his “junk” as well.
We transported all of our belongings and began settling in. I immediately placed a shelf where I could show off all of my special collections including my Prince memorabilia and keepsakes. And of course I lovingly recreated the scene from our other place by hanging my large Prince mounted pictures over my computer desk. My room became somewhat of a shrine to all of my favorite things, including Prince.
Time went on of course and I had been spoiled by Prince in 2011, having seen him not once, but twice, and at the after party and it had been so close to my birthday in December that I had said that that was my early birthday present to myself and it had been all that I wanted.
I scoured the online outlets daily as I always did but Montreal missed Prince for the next years to come. I would still pray every night to bring him back to me. I even contemplated going to New York or other parts of Canada if I had to but it just never worked out. Prince also had many parties at his home Paisley Park in Minneapolis and I had always dreamed of going to the parties or just going there to see his house. There are so many landmarks in Minneapolis to be seen because of the Purple Rain movie, I would love to see the house where he had lived in the movie or to see the club First Avenue where they filmed the performance scenes… but I am just always at work and Minneapolis isn’t exactly next door. I always said to myself… one day when I’m not going to be working anymore, that’s when I can go to Prince’s house parties… I always knew… one day… one day…. but not anymore….
Just when I didn’t see it coming, in May 2015 I had another pleasant surprise moment when after knowing Prince had played a pop-up surprise show in Toronto the night before, I see the headline that Prince would play the Bell Centre in Montreal again! I had been praying to God to see Prince again live since the last times I saw his shows! I waited patiently for the tickets to go on sale and I snagged a pair. In the next days I was was so excited I could barely sleep or eat or think of anything else. I went to the concert and saw Prince perform with his 3rdeyegirl band and it was electrifying! I was only able to take a video when he asked everyone to light up their phones for an effect. I will always treasure that video. As usual, I was starstruck and desperate to see him again! So greedy, I know!
2015 seemed to be a great year, lots of constant news and stories about Prince and he was really becoming more interactive. In September he announced a special 3 day dance party at Paisley Park and I was devastated that I wasn’t able to go… I still kept with my mantra that one day… one day…. one day…
And then they announced the Tidal X event that Prince was supposed to headline this big music festival in Brooklyn… I started planning out a crazy trip in my head and even told some friends and they thought I was crazy. I almost bought a set of tickets to the event but lost them by waiting too long to complete the transaction and the event sold out within minutes. After kicking myself and saying it wasn’t meant to be, Prince mysteriously removed his name and his presence from their festival anyway, I guess it really was not meant to be! So then I didn’t feel bad anymore.
2016 started off with a bang and many good things were coming from Prince, he began a “Piano and a Microphone” Tour at Paisley park, then Australia, then California and then what do you know………. he requests to play in Montreal in March! I am on the edge! Until I got those tickets I was a wreck. I prayed every night ‘Please God, let me just be at that concert’ and then they said he would play not just 1 show but 2! I became greedy and decided I would have to see both shows even if it costs an obscene amount of money, money is just money but life is about experiences and enjoying and this was my obsession. This was the reason why I worked hard to earn money, to go see Prince!!! My whole world really revolved around him. Countless days and years of listening to his music, watching his movies and concerts, looking at pictures of him, looking up news about him and what he was up to and always obsessing over him like a school girl.
I ended up purchasing a pair of great seats for both March 21 2016 shows at Place des Arts in Montreal and upon hearing rumor of an after party, set my heart on spending the entire evening with Prince, no matter how difficult it would be.
We attended the first show and he was magical, so funny and charming and awe inspiring. He was putting on a whole show with just a piano and a microphone… who could do that??? Who could do a piano show and not just sing piano ballads but actually be able to play in such a way that you could make a whole melody and rhythm and play upbeat songs in new arrangements and have the room come alive with just piano keys??? So magical. I went wild, I was along with him in every verse and I hung off of his every word. It was amazing. I quickly retrieved my tickets to go and see the second show and experience the magic all over again. The first show was special because it was fresh and new, the second show for me was just a bonus and me being greedy, just trying to spend as much time with him as possible, with it really being the only way that I could ever realistically spend time with him in life! I always hoped deep down inside that he would notice me and maybe acknowledge me with brief eye contact, not sure if it ever happened, not saying it didn’t either. But if it did happen it wasn’t like I had ever imagined, it was probably just at a glance! Well how could he help looking away from me when every time I had ever seen him approach in my general direction, I would jump up and down as high up as I could, waving my hands like a lunatic and pointing to myself and screaming in a high pitched wail! How could he avoid that??? (Probably could and was more than used to it, but hey a girl could try!!!)
At the end of the performance they briefly mentioned the after party to follow on the loudspeaker and off we went! My husband was furious! He was reliving our past Prince after party experience and how tired he was getting home in the early hours of the morning and he was dreading it, he pleaded with me not to go but he really knew that once I had my mind set on something there was no convincing me otherwise. I was trying to relive my past Prince after party experience as well!!! It was the greatest time in my life and I wanted to relive it and even top it!
We had a long walk in the chilly night to Club Muzique where they said he would be. We arrived and quickly were told no cell phones, but that was ok, I was just there to enjoy, i didn’t want any trouble! We got in and waited and waited and waited and around 2am by husband pleaded for us to leave and I was so disappointed in him! Have some faith! We need to see if Prince will show up!!! A quarter to 3am and everything started to fall into place. The bouncers quickly cleared up a pathway and announced that Prince was to walk through the club……… HALLELUJAH….!!! It was everything in life that I had ever hoped or dreamed for and what I needed.
Prince glided past me and I was breathless. My favorite person in the world had just made my life and was in the same breathing space as me, only inches away. Of course it was only for a second but still. I will never forget.
Prince got up on the DJ podium and said hello and that he had to go get something and come back and the crowd was not pleased by he promised that it would be worth our while. He breezed past me again in a moment and then we waited for his return. Sure enough he returned 15 minutes later with a keyboard and proceeded to play an intimate synth hit set for a crowd of less than 100 people for about a half hour about 8 feet in front of me. What a treat, what a real treat. Like I said, I will never forget.
I have to say that even after seeing Prince live there were days where I would sit and say “I Miss Prince” because seeing him wasn’t like when you see a big artist, seeing him was like partying with someone. It was never conventional. He was like a part of my life. Of course I had never actually met him or spoken to him or knew him but it’s not like I never wanted to. I always tried so hard to be around his presence whenever I could. I attribute it to that I was definitely born in the wrong time, I often watch “Purple Rain” and Prince in his heyday when he was most popular and wish that I could have experienced him like that, but I definitely was blessed to have experienced as much as I did get to do at this point in time.
Having lost Prince is very difficult for me and very unsettling. He was definitely in his prime and had so many more good years to come. He had finally just started to come back out of his shell and I’m sure he had so many plans and good ideas for the future. It is just such a loss. I lived my life in anticipation of what would be next. I prided myself in staying up to date with what he was up to and what he was doing. It was a hobby and like I said, it was an obsession. I really did live for his life. That is not to say that I will be any less of a fan. We still have all of his work to appreciate. It was just so satisfying to know that he was out there in the world and that he was working on the next great thing. I had always imagined his touring and touring on for many more years to come. This was just so soon. Too soon. 57 is too young to die. I meet people everyday at my work that are much older, in their 80’s and 90’s and I wonder why Prince couldn’t make it to there.
Times are tough, I am able to enjoy his work and appreciate all that I have from him but then there’s times where I will hear a song or remember something that puts me to tears. Many people don’t understand why I am so upset about someone that I didn’t exactly know. But he was definitely a part of my life. When my husband was confused as to why I was so sad I told him this “A piece of me is gone, maybe u don’t understand but it’s hard for me.” And after that I think and hope that it made more sense to him because he told me “Well I will be there for you”.
I am still in the grieving process. The first night from hearing the news was hard. The whole day was hard. The week before it was hard too, after Prince’s emergency plane landing everything was upside down. That’s when everything began, it set off rumors. But they were quickly dispelled and even Prince himself had staged a party at Paisley Park to prove that he was ok, he came out and showed his fans his new piano and new guitar and he seemed fine. Everyone knew that Prince was strong and he had always been seen and some sort of super human that nothing bad could happen to. Just as everything was getting back to normal it all happened.
I was minding my business at lunch time on Thursday April 21st 2016 and it was such an absolutely beautiful day outside that I had decided to spend the second half of my lunch break sitting in the sun outside. I was playing games and taking selfies and then went to quickly check up on Facebook what was going on. I saw an eerie post at the top of my screen from Dr. Funkenberry’s fan page at 12:44pm saying “trying 2 get info. Give me time. I'm with U on this.” My heart skipped a beat, what was going on, what was he trying to find out… I frantically searched and the article stating that police had been called and someone had died at Paisley Park had come up… I was nervous but I knew that Paisley Park had many employees and it could be anyone or anything.
My lunch break was coming to an end and I was still frantically scrolling to find out what was happening as I was walking back to work in a trance, suddenly TMZ pops up saying that Prince is dead and my heart crumbles. I am thinking ok, this is a mistake, can’t be true. I came in a thrust my phone in my coworkers face and she’s like huh……. I went to put my phone away and start working again and my other co-workers see the look on my face like I had seen a ghost and right away go “what’s wrong???” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell anyone but I had to tell someone… in awe I say “They’re saying…… that….. Prince…. died…..” without believing what I am saying. They say it’s probably not true. I begin working and over the radio they start announcing and playing “Purple Rain” and then I know it’s true…. a part of me died that day along with him. I worked in a saddened daze the rest of the day, a lump in my throat and the feeling of the need to vomit. All I wanted nothing more than was to be able to go online and read what was pouring in from the news outlets. I was still in disbelief. I was convinced that it would be all a big mistake and that they were wrong. I wanted him to still be alive. I wished that he had faked his death to get out of the spotlight and that he was still around somewhere -living-.
I went to the local framing store to pick up my newest prince mounted poster that I had ordered the week before, like I was planning to do anyway. I still have a concert dvd in the mail that I had ordered, amongst other things. You see, I was not just the occasional fan. I wasn’t someone who was going with all of this hype in only now appreciating him. I appreciated him every day of my life since I became a fan. I never stopped loving him. Whether he was in the news or not, whether he was the in thing or the trend, I collected his work because he was my hobby. It’s so upsetting that someone only gets the recognition they deserve in their passing. Now he’s top of the charts, now record stores are selling out, now they are praising the work, now they are talking about him. I think it’s great that he is getting all of this now but where were all of you every other day??? Was he part of your every day life and routine? Let this be a learning experience. There are great things out there in the is world, you only have to discover them before it’s too late.
The night of his passing, I got home and finally got to do what I had desperately wanted to do all day. I got to sit down and finally catch up on the news flow that I had missed all day. I kept looking to see if they knew what happened (or if it was just all a big mistake) but there were not many developments. I sat down in my room with all my Prince wall mount pictures looking down on me and I said I would finally now get around to framing my last concert tickets and memorabilia. My husband came in and could not really understand why I was so upset and it made me even more upset. I finally cried about Prince on my husband’s shoulder and it was good to get it out.
I couldn’t eat anything, I couldn’t sleep that night. I was exhausted but I kept waking up and going online to see if they had any news. The next morning I woke up and donned some purple in my respects. I took out my “Purple Rain” coffee mug that I usually drink out of on a daily basis along with my same daily breakfast that I always eat, yogurt with blueberries in it, which makes it a lovely shade of purple. I looked down and could not hold back the tears. Everything reminded me of Prince, when you build your life around him, it usually does! I got in the car and sang and cried along to “I Wanna Be Your Lover” and some other songs and I got to work like a wreck, holding back tears. I was on the edge of crying at any little moment or memory. They played Prince music on the radio and all day tributes here and there, callers calling in with their stories. I was on the edge! I got through the day and I guess it was good to have a distraction. I still couldn’t eat or sleep until the moment that I read that they had quickly and secretly cremated his body after the autopsy. Once I saw that I had a revelation. It was really true. I kept imagining everything being a big mistake and somehow Prince waking up and being ok. Once they said that his body had been cremated it really sunk in. That was it. This beautiful human being that I cherished so much had disappeared and now was merely some dust and ashes. How bittersweet. I know that the body is just a vessel for the soul and that wherever he is now, it is not necessary anyway. That’s why I am happy that his wishes were to rid of his body right away. What a sickening thought to have a disgusting paparazzi try to sneak pictures to the media of Prince’s lifeless and desecrated body and sell them to the highest bidder. No one should have to see that. So in that aspect it is good. It just seems so fast…. my head is spinning.
I wish I could have been at Paisley Park, what a wonderful gesture to give the mourners some complementary gift packages in honor of paying their respects. I wonder if that was Prince’s idea or not.
Even though he is gone there is still so much of him around and definitely signs of his presence all over that cannot be denied. On Sunday I finally got my full day to mourn and pay tribute to my favorite person. I took out my vinyl collection that I had only began collection last year but I had managed to be persistent and amass quite a collection in that short time (When something captivates me, I dedicate myself to it!). I began playing my vinyl and even though the collection is certainly incomplete, I preferred to play it over my CD collection because the quality of the vinyl is different. It is almost as if he is right there when I play a vinyl. I spent the day enjoying that and then we watched the 20/20 Special and the SNL special. In playing my vinyl I studied the “Around the World in a Day” record sleeve and couldn’t help but notice on the inside, the uncanny resemblance to the scene at Paisley Park the day of Prince’s death. A beautiful rainbow appeared over the estate that day and eerily the idea it is almost a replicated image on the “Around the World in a Day” inner cover photo. The coloring, everything. But the album was made in 1985!!!
So many coincidences and unexplainable happenings. The rainbow, his appearance in the clouds, little things. Prince is everywhere and in that breed of thought I am a little more settled. My appetite has returned now and I able able to sleep. I still sometimes wake up in the night… ‘feeling’ things, it’s hard to explain. I am woken up out of nowhere as if I have seen something or feel something. Even the first night when he passed I had a tormented night when I was so exhausted but I could only toss and turn and drift in and out of sleep and maybe it sounds funny but I kept feeling a presence there in the dark. As if something was with me and looking down at me, it would cause me to wake. This happened multiple times.
The fact is that I am now coming to terms with the fact that Prince doesn’t need a body anymore for his soul to keep living on. I hope he is up there or around or wherever and I hope that wherever that is that he is ok and enjoying himself and doing what he loves to do best. Now that I am slowly starting to accept everything I still pray to God to help Prince that Prince will come back (not likely but doesn’t hurt to try) but now I pray “Please let Prince be ok and let him be happy”. I still think it’s unfair and say it again and again throughout every day. Maybe one day I will understand. Probably when they release the cause of death then I can really understand what happened but until then. I can still cry on the drop of a dime if I think too hard about certain things. I almost am afraid to be too happy and let go because I feel like if I stop feeling bad for him I won’t feel him anymore and that I will forget (even though it is not true).

Now I spend my days listening to his songs and unintentionally dissecting every lyric, wondering if he knew back then (a lot of coincidences)… but then how could he…. some coincidences are scary. In “Under the Cherry Moon” a lyric shocked me. He says “Maybe I’ll die young like heroes die.” That has resonated with me.
I was in the car the other morning listening to “Future Soul Song” and totally broke down crying because the lyrics make me imagine him up in the sky in heaven

I had a dream last night
 That I was flying for the first time
 And in the dream I could pilot my flight 
With the thoughts in my mind
Since there wasn't any up or down 
Everybody was all around 
When we sang, we all sang together 
Oh, what a beautiful sound

Ooh, ooh, sha la la la la
 This is the future soul song
 Ooh, ooh, sha la la la la 
This is the future soul song

I had a dream last night 
That I was singing and the sound of my voice 
Seemed to come from every mountain top
 Like it had no choice

And when my voice rose, so did the sun 
When the trees sang the harmony as one
 Every living soul sang the most beautiful 
Melody ever sung

Ooh, ooh, sha la la la la 
This is the future soul song 
Ooh, ooh, sha la la la la 
This is the future soul song

Before the war the only words and language said 
Let there be light 
Those that can see it are the ones who believe it 
And put up no fight

And in the absence of fear and control
 Is the sound of the surrendering soul
 Louder than the dogmatic persecution
 I sing it like you got that right

Ooh, ooh, sha la la la la 
This is the future soul song 
Ooh, ooh, sha la la la la 
This is the future soul song

Ooh, ooh, sha la la la la
 Ooh, ooh, sha la la la la 
This is the future soul song

And it just made me imagine that he is up above now and this is what it’s like.

The other day I read a Prince quote that stood out to me

I like dreaming now more than I used to
some of my friends have passed away and I see them
in my dreams.
So it’s like they are here
and the dreams are
just like waking sometimes.

And it gives me hope because maybe I will be lucky enough to see Prince again in my dreams…. anything is possible. There are a few things giving me hope now. One of them is a rumor that they would preserve Prince’s house Paisley Park to make it into a sort of museum, I like the idea. I had always wanted to go to his house. Unfortunately he wouldn’t be there if I did but I had always said I was going to go, I just hope they don’t get rid of it. In the future hopefully I will go to see Paisley Park and the other prominent areas in Minneapolis and then even though he is gone, I can have my sense of fulfillment in some way, to actually go out and do what I had always set out to do. One day… one day…

I’m just scared for a day if i woke up and didn’t think about Prince… even though I didn’t see him every day, It was nice do know he was somewhere out there, and I guess he still is somewhere.

It’s interesting that when he died, friends and customers and people I knew kept dropping by and giving their condolences as if I had lost a family member because they knew how much he meant to me, that really made me feel better. I am just so glad that I was able to spend that time with him last month, it really made the difference. Now I contemplate getting a tattoo of the love symbol on my body as a connection to him forever, but I am still unsure. Never wanted to have anything on my body forever until now, but I will do much thinking. I don’t like the idea of the pain. I have been wearing purple every day since, though.

Just to think, exactly one month before he died, we were partying in a club. What a difference a month makes. Makes me realize my own mortality. Now I realize, anyone can die any time, any way, nothing is sacred. No matter who you are, no matter what you do. I have the deepest sympathies for everyone who actually knew him personally and had spoken to him, if I feel like this, so hopeless, and I never even had the joy to meet him, how must they feel???

Prince, I miss you so much, and every day I will miss you.

Some photos in no particular order....... sorry for randomness

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